The way we speak is at the heart of our identity. Our words and delivery style are unique to us, and at the same time they (literally) tell others who we are, where we come from, and what’s important to us.
When you think about it that way, it’s no wonder that most of us struggle to change the most fundamental ways that we speak: the pace, the volume, the cadence, the accent. It becomes even tougher when, in addition to being these markers of identity, our communication habit protects us from feeling vulnerable.
I was thinking about this recently when I was in a workshop with several very quiet participants. No matter what the facilitator said, she couldn’t seem to get responses from these quiet folks.
Maybe they didn’t have anything valuable to share. Maybe they felt shy. Maybe they were preoccupied. I have no idea exactly why these particular people didn’t speak up. But having coached many people who share this behavior, I know that there is often an element of their identity that is strongly connected to being reserved in large groups.
If that’s the case, no amount of “hey, let’s get more voices in the room!” or “don’t worry, this is a safe space to share” is going to have an effect. They aren’t worried; they simply don’t have a need to speak. They literally do not want to “get their voice” in the room. They aren’t responding to the social pressure of the facilitator waiting for someone to speak because their communication habit is serving a different need.
If and when we want to change something about the way we communicate, it’s worth spending some time investigating our current habits. If we’re quiet in groups, why is that? If we can’t wait to be the first person to speak, why is that? Whether we’re quiet or loud, wordy or concise, those habits were born of some impulse, and they serve us in some way.
We can’t change the habit until we know why we do it and its purpose.
