What’s true for you isn’t necessarily true for everyone.
I see this frequently when people try to encourage others to speak in public. “What is there to be afraid of? You are going to be fine! What’s the worst that can happen?”
There are a whole bunch of assumptions at work here. The encourager assumes the nervous person feels the way they would feel in the same circumstances, and that a little pep talk will get them over the hump.
But the person who is nervous to speak in public is not like the willing speaker. And to suggest they should feel fine, that there’s something amiss if they’re not jumping at the chance to give a speech, makes them feel worse. It adds self-doubt and shame to the existing nervousness.
If you’re the encourager in this scenario, what can you do differently? First, listen. If they are telling you they’re nervous, believe them and don’t brush it off.
Second, acknowledge the nervousness. One of the best ways to start to move away from anxiety is to look it right it the face, and name it.
Third, suggest a few tactics to help them to manage the nerves and show up strong. The video on breathing (below) is a great place to start.
Mostly, though, remind yourself that other people are different from you (we all need this reminder sometimes!), and lean into the conversation with empathy and curiosity.
