Recently I was driving on a very familiar road near my house. As I rounded a curve, I saw a sign indicating that traffic was going to go down to one lane. Okey doke. I’ve done this before; I know what to expect.
After another few hundred yards, I saw the telltale cones narrowing the road, and in the distance, a flagger holding a STOP sign. I slowed down, following the cones and approaching the worker. His hand shot out in the “Hold it right there” motion, so I braked.
I was much farther away from the flagger than his sign indicated I should stop, or that seemed like the normal distance for this kind of road work. As I sat there, though, I realized that the way they had closed the road meant I had actually stopped in the right place—any closer and the oncoming cars would have had trouble getting through.
So what happened here? The regular guideposts we rely on in these situations sent me conflicting messages. The sign, the cones, the position of the flagger, and the STOP sign said: “Drive to this point and stop.” The hand gesture said: “Stop right where you are.” When this happens, how do we know what signals to prioritize? Which ones are important?
“Mixed signals.” We use this phrase a lot when we’re talking about communication, and it came to mind again after this experience on the road. An open door may say, “Come in,” but the expression on the person’s face when you enter may say, “Stop right there.” A smile and relaxed tone conveys, “There’s nothing to worry about,” so it takes longer to understand the words that say, “There is a real problem here.”
We coach our clients that it’s important to notice how your body language and your voice support or undermine the words you say. Put together, your words and the way you say them create your message. In fact, we trust the physical and vocal signals you send long before we really even process the words you say. To go back to my flagger on the road, the signals I was obeying were the equivalent of his tone and body language. The message he actually wanted to get across—don’t come any closer—was obscured and undermined by all the other signals.
If you say in your presentation that you’re excited to be here, your tone and body language should also convey that you’re excited, or I won’t believe you. If you have to give someone tough feedback, it’s a bit of a bait and switch to have a light, casual tone when you ask them to sit down in your office.
Aligning all our signals is a service to the listener (or the driver!) When our message, body language, energy, and voice are all aligned, we can avoid misunderstanding and create effective and efficient communication.
