I write a lot in this space about creating connection through deliberate intention. Deliberate intention comes from answering these questions: What outcome do I want out of this conversation? How do I want to make this person feel? What do I hope they’ll do? What change am I trying to create?
Deliberate intention is an effective tool because it harnesses what we’re already doing intuitively and makes it more, well, intentional. When we communicate with others, we’re always trying to make something happen; deliberate intention allows us to key in to what that is, and change course if necessary.
But what happens when, despite our best efforts to communicate with intention, we can’t seem to make progress? When we keep having the same disagreements, misunderstandings, and inefficient meetings?
Communication is, famously, a two-way street. You can be a deliberate intention savant and still run into situations where that’s not enough—the person you’re speaking with has to do some of the work. So what should you do when they’re unwilling or unable?
First, check your own motivations. Our default intentions have a way of sneaking in and coloring our words and actions, even when we don’t mean for them to. Especially if you’ve been struggling to communicate with this person or in this situation for a while, you may be bringing some preconceived notions into the conversation. Get super clear about any part you might be playing in the strained communication.
Second, remember that this just may not be something you can influence. Each of us brings a lifetime of interactions, experiences, assumptions, and needs to each conversation we have. It’s impossible to calibrate your own communication to account for all of that, even if you knew what it all was.
And finally, one technique you can try. If you’ve been stuck in a miscommunication loop with someone for a while, take a step back and acknowledge the elephant in the room. “It seems like we are really stuck. I say X, you say Y, and we can’t move forward. Are you experiencing that? What do you see as our obstacle?”
This can help break through the tension and surface whatever is really going on. No guarantees, but at least you’re talking about something different for a little while!
What are your best tools for getting out of a communication rut?
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