Let’s say I run a thriving dog-walking business.
I employ five dog walkers to take various clients on walks on different days, and at different times. One walker, someone I have worked with for a while, does a good job but is really flaky about his schedule. He changes things around at the last minute, takes long vacations, and, after I’ve moved the other employees around to cover his shifts, wants all his favorite clients back when his schedule settles down. Not only that, but when he texts “Hey, I’m back in town,” he gets annoyed when I can’t plug hum back into his favorite slots.
Well, that makes things tough for me as a business owner.
I need to have a conversation with him about why he’s not going to be getting his preferred slots. I have a few options—let’s look at them in terms of the intention I may have going into the conversation.
I want to avoid a conflict with him.
I want him to know that he won’t be on the schedule any more, and to feel valued for his contribution.
I want him to see that he’s wrong and I’m right.
Only one of these intentions is about him, and about the situation at hand. (I think you know which one.) Number 1 and number 3 are about me and my feelings; they’re short-term intentions that will serve a short-term goal. In the case of #1, I get to avoid the conflict, but my scheduling hassles are going to continue. With #3, I’m indulging a very human, but not very productive, urge to get the upper hand. This almost always backfires—I might get to say some things I’ve only muttered under my breath, but there’s no long term gain.
I want him to know that he won’t be on the schedule any more, and to feel valued for his contribution.
This choice is the one that will lead to the outcome I want—not juggling the schedule, and also giving me an opportunity to express my gratitude for the work that he’s done to date. I could even leave the door open for him to fill in for other walkers or to come back when his life settles down.
In the moment when you get to choose, what intention is going to lead to the best long-term outcome?
