I write a lot here about intentional communication–the idea that the fundamental driver of communication is how you want to affect the person you’re talking to.
But what happens when we are stuck in a pattern with someone we speak with frequently? What happens when we recognize “When I say this, she may feel defensive,” consciously adjust our intention, do our very best not to be adversarial, and still get a defensive response?
Let’s acknowledge that our relationships are complex and multifaceted. Those we know the best have come to expect certain behaviors and attitudes from us, and these are mutually reinforced every time we spend time together. In other words, changing your intention one time probably isn’t going to undo months or years of the interplay between you.
In these cases, I’m a fan of calling out what I’m seeing. “It feels to me like I’m not doing a good job of conveying myself to you. Can we take a step back?” Find a way to be very transparent about your intention. “I am on your side, and I’m hoping we can talk about this in order to find a way for me to support you.”
Ask what they’ve heard you say. Watch their body and voice; are they responding to what you’ve said or to what they think you’re saying?
