My good friend Catherine wrote to me with an story of intent in action from her own life.
Her grandson got in trouble at middle school. Here is how Catherine describes what happened–
Intent matters. When my grandson brought the pepper spray to middle school last week, it certainly wasn’t his intent to cause mass chaos and get a charge of bringing a deadly weapon to school. His intent was more along the lines of being seen as the cool kid who brought the cool thing to school.
We can see what happened, right? He thought he could show off the pepper spray and elevate his own status. It didn’t occur to him that his action would be seen differently by other people. That’s a key factor in intention, and the hardest part to control. We can’t predict other people’s reactions, but we can usually take factors into consideration that will help us make a good guess.
I emphasized to him that he wasn’t a bad person, that he’d done a bad thing. My intent was that he didn’t take on the identity of “I’m a bad kid”, because I know that will create even more future problems that I’d like to avoid.
Here Catherine shows intentional communication in action. She thinks about how she wants her beloved grandson to feel as a result of what she says. She wants him to understand the consequences of what he did, but to be separate from the identity of the “bad kid.” She wants him to know that she’s on his side.
Do you see how Catherine’s approach takes her grandson’s circumstances into account? She creates space for understanding, and believing that he made a mistake that he can learn from.
Changing our habits of communication is really hard. I’m so grateful to Catherine for pointing out a real-life instance of intention making a difference.
