Years ago, when my daughter was in fourth grade, her class was performing a dance for the school’s winter concert. I remember her telling me that doing the dance made her feel self-conscious. She didn’t want anyone to see her doing these big exuberant movements that she thought were silly.
I asked her to show me the dance, in the safe space of our living room. With some eye-rolling, she walked through the dance.
If they were choreographed to throw their arms up in the air, she raised hers to shoulder-height. If they crouched all the way to the floor, she would bend at the waist. She didn’t want to commit to it.
As I watched, I imagined her as part of the rest of her class, throwing their arms up, crouching down, jumping. When she was done, I said, “Are you worried about people looking at you?”
She nodded.
“I get that. I didn’t like doing dances like this when I was in school, either.”
“What did you do?”
“Well, I learned that if I didn’t do the same movements everyone else was doing, that was when I stuck out.”
“Really?”
“Yep! Think about it—if all the people in your class are crouching down, and you’re not, the audience’s eyes are going to go to you. You’re the only one doing something different.”
She understood. I think she still felt like she would have rather skipped the dance altogether, but she figured out how to commit to the dance to blend in with her classmates.
What I was left thinking about was how often we create exactly what we’re trying to avoid. My daughter’s default intention was to hide; she wanted to get through the dance without anyone really seeing her. Ironically, the intention that led her to minimize her movements made her stick out when she wanted to blend in.
Start with asking, “What do I want the outcome of this to be?” Only then can you be sure that your behavior is actually aligned with that outcome.
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