I’ve had several conversations lately that revolve around the idea of being authentic in conversation. One person said, “Sometimes in a conversation I just feel unfinished, like it’s not honest if I don’t say what’s on my mind, even if we’ve been talking about the topic for a while.” Another person compared what it feels like to “be himself at work” versus all the times he has had to “put on a role in order to be who the person I’m talking to wants to see.”
Inevitably, this goes to the question of intention in conversation. Am I being manipulative or inauthentic if, before I speak, I think, “How is what I’m going to say going to affect this person?”
Deliberate intention is a tool. It is a way of aiming your message to get it as close as possible to your target. Like any tool, it can be used to achieve a variety of ends. There are many examples of people “becoming” what others want to see in order to get what they want out of those people, whether they are dating or pitching a product or running for political office. This could be called “manipulating.” It could definitely be “inauthentic.”
When I coach intention, this kind of disingenuity isn’t the goal. I ask clients to remember that what you say and how you say it always has an impact on your audience, and that what we’re working on is how to be more productive in creating this impact.
Another way to think about intention is to ask, “How is what I’m about to say going to serve this moment? What am I contributing?” That lens helps us get closer to our own authentic selves and to craft our communication in a way that our audience can really hear it.
